This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
