dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
