theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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