Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
