i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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