When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
