If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
