I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
