She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
