She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
