we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize