My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
