Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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