Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
