If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
how does that bad decision feel?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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