Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
