Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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