he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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