i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am midnight drunk by noon
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
