chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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