Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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