i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
