3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
