i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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