we have officially lost it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
