Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
