is your mom at the bar?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
