Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
