how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found puke in my bra..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize