I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
