I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just found puke in my bra..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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