Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
