The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
