There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize