2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Plan B is the new Plan A
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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