the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
