I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
