DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
