the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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