he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
