i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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