You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
