dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
