this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize