i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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