Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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