Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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