After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
