My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
