your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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