we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she pinky promised me she was 18
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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