I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Randomize
