She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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