well I can't set my house on fire every night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
