I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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