why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
