the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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