I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
