My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
