i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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