omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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