just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
