so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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