her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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