I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
