I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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