theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
